Go back to sleep.

Traveling alone has been a huge eye-opener for me. Yes, everyone knows that traveling has its benefits such as being able to do whatever you want, see what you want. And traveling with others, you'd always manage to find one thing about them that will most definitely annoy you. always. Still, after this experience, I conclude that I prefer to travel with other people anytime. There is nothing worse than seeing something cool and marvelous and not be able to communicate that excitement to anyone. I cannnnot stand it.

But being alone has its perks. Without the comfort of an old company, you are forced to make friends along the way. I must say that it was the most funnest part of my trip and what I remember the best. Suddenly it's not about the places, its about the people. I complained about the fashion scene with the gay dormmate who laughs in his sleep, had so much beer and watched tv everynight with the two funniest guys on Phillip Island, the 20 year old English girl who moved to Australia to be with her boyfriend instead of going to Oxford Uni, another English girl who loved the Oz so much she wanted to trade places with me and study here for a year, the Scottish girl who had just recovered from cancer and is here because it was on her bucket list. Oh, there were so many times that I had to convince people that english is the first language of Singapore. So many times that I couldn't understand a word they were saying (especially the Scottish girl zomgs). haha. But I tried! We really bonded, especially after a few beers. The whole world are friends after a few beers :)

Anyways, so much time spent on traveling alone on the many buses and trains and whatnots meant that I had a lot of time to think. One great big revelation I came to was that Singapore really sucks. Firstly, I realized that I didn't really have any good stories to tell people because my life has been painfully normal. All of our lives are painfully normal. We just don't see it because we're all happy in our little warm (bloody hot, most of the time) bubble called Singapore. Everything suddenly feels very constructed in Singapore. We are taught to only think and act in a certain kind of way. We have a very narrow perspective on life, and we are passive about exploring alternatives. It's all about the end, to attain something. That we so often forget about the process. It's a little bit like traveling. We drive from A to B (we chose B most probably because someone said it was a nice place to be) without looking out of the window, without stopping the car to take a look around, so there could be better places that we would wanna go, but we don't know about because we didn't look.

See I bought a bowler hat while I was in Melbourne. People wear hats, yes? So why did a fellow Singaporean feel like she has to dare me to wear that hat back in Singapore? Is it really so crazy to wear a hat in Singapore? No one says I can't, but I can already imagine the stares I would get. We judge! Why do we judge so quickly and so mercilessly at anything that is slightly different (okay, not just talking about something as trivial as wearing a hat now). Just a little bit of out of the ordinary is considered weird, or worse, edgy. haha.

and I think that's how I've been living back in Singapore - in fear. Fear of judgement. Fear of being different. Having close family and friends nearby is sometimes bad too. I was too comfortable, too passive to do anything MORE. Can't even try, won't be bothered. In a way, I was just asleep. I wasn't exactly living, just existing. Being forced out of my comfort zone I feel like I am finally myself, not something made up from pieces of everyone else that was around me. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm only starting to get to know me.

I remember someone once said that Singaporeans only want one kind of lifestyle - degree, job, car, marriage, house, kids. Back then I couldn't understand what was wrong with wanting a life like that. I still can't explain it, but I'm starting to think that I don't want that. It just doesn't feel right. Maybe not right now. Right now, all I know is, I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't know what I want. I just know that, I don't want the Singapore way. And when I return at the end of the year, I will fall back into that zombie state that I was in. Which is not good for me. I need to find out all I can about myself before I get back. But honestly, migrating sounds like a very good idea now.

Okay, all the times I used the word 'we', maybe its more like its just me. Maybe my friends have been leading very secret exciting lives that I don't know about :)

I said, BRRRR.

I cannot believe this is how I am spending the first few hours of my birthday-being so freezing cold that I can't get to sleep. I swear the weather changed at 12 midnight sharp. Talk about having a COOL birthday. When I think about what I want this birthday, I realised I didn't really want anything in particular; I am just glad to be alive long enough to turn 23. However now, I am not so sure if I can survive my birthday. Urgh this just brings back so many bad memories. I remember (this one time, at band camp? haha) there was this once, at one of the annual family chalets, I got so cold, and so afraid to change the temperature of the air-con cos I might wake everyone up, that I went to the toilet to cry. I was just too damn cold. Which wouldn't have been that scarring if my aunt hadn't walked in on me (the toilet has two entrances, dammit) and told everrryone that I was crying in the middle of the night by the time morning came. Imagine waking up to that. Well anyways, I am close to crying now. Not that I'm not doing anything to change the temperature now, I'm wearing 3 jackets, one scarf, one pair of gloves, two pairs of socks. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. It's not thaaat cold actually. Secretly, I know exactly what I need. Time for some pipping hot maggie mee. Yum. How am i going to survive the walk to the kitchen without my heater though?

wish me luck.

Hippie Happie I was bored, and we had a lecture on positive psychology. Positive psychology is not saying that depression is a social construct, but an absence of illness is just not enough anymore. People need to be pushed from just 'surviving' to 'flourishing'. Everyone should visit this site . You'd need to sign in to be able to do the tests/quizzes, but its all just so that the researchers can collect results and demographics from around the world. They probably wont send you newsletters... I think. Anyhow, 240 questions later, here are my strengths! (and no weaknesses cos, like, there is not such thing as weaknesses in positive psychology) Your Top Strength

Humor and playfulness You like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.

Your Second Strength

Modesty and humility You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.

Your Third Strength

Kindness and generosity You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.

Your Fourth Strength

Gratitude You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.

Your Fifth Strength

Appreciation of beauty and excellence You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

Something Amazing.

On Saturday, I ordered New York Fries in an Italian restaurant. They gave me a plate of potatoes in their original form, round with the brown skin still on and all, with a side of sweet chilli and mayo. the toppings look right, but everyone at my table were just as confused as me about the potatoes. But, when I took a bite out of one of it, zomg, it was exactly like eating fries! the outside was crispy and salty (they dribbled salt all over the crispy skin), and the inside is the same potato as in fries of course. So, with the toppings, if felt exactly like i was eating fries!! Until i looked down again at my plate of course. BUT. WAH. highlight of my night, cos everything tasted like crap.

Baby Talk.

Recently I've been pretty close to my thesis groupmates (yes finally, groupmates that I actually like and don't make me cry) despite them all being way older than I am. which is nice in the way that they take care of me like a little sister. Some of us were having dinner (at some damn awesome indian restaurant, but probably cost 300% of what it costs in India, I bet) a couple weeks back and comparatively, my housemate troubles are nothing compared to theirs.

One of my groupmates is currently pregnant, and is due two weeks before our thesis is. When she found out she was pregnant, her husband left her because he didn't want kids. She'd had an abortion once, because he made her do it. Miscarried twice, after both incidents he'd asked her whose child it was. Throughout their marriage of 4 years, he had always accused her of sleeping around. He didn't let her work and eventually didn't let her step out of the house because he thought she was flirting with every man outside. Didn't let her pursue her studies either. She, originally malaysian, moved to australia because of him. now she lives in a campus accommodation alone like starting at square one. Seeing her in school, you will never be able to tell she'd been crying herself to sleep about once a week. I cannot believe it took her 4 years to leave him. I cannot believe she agreed to marry him after 6 months of dating. I cannot believe a 44 year old man can be that insecure and childish.

The only guy in my group is 27 years old. has a son who is turning 1 on May 3rd. He and his girlfriend were on the verge of breaking up when she got pregnant. needless to say the relationship is not going well right now. They fight often. She threatens to leave with the kid every other day. he is not allowed to have female friends. he had to lie while he was at dinner with us. She had spent all her savings, and the child's savings on herself, doing things she liked. well, she's 23, what can one expect. My friend is an average A student. He now has to work and study at the same time. Hmm, call me a feminist but 5% of me suspects that this story is heavily biased. but then I can't help but be worried that his girlfriend will take the baby (and his money) away if they do split. Courts rule in the favor of the girl anyway. I can tell he loves his son because the first thing he did after our first consultation was to show me a photo of his son. And I think that would crush him. Some people make mistakes like this, and we ever so often say that they just deserve it. but seriously, to have to pay for this single mistake for a lifetime like this seems pretty harsh and unfair.

There's another groupmate, but she wasn't at dinner. I know she has a 15 year old daughter. she is a single mum. she just turned 31 yesterday. Do the math.

Halfway through their stories, they turned to me and asked 'are we scaring you?'. haha, honestly no, in fact, for some reason, I am excited about life now. These people are living proof that you can survive disaster, or least they are trying to cope pretty well ( i think). If any of it had happened to me, I'm not sure I am even able to stand up straight again, let alone go to class, make friends, complete assignments. I don't know how they keep it all together. Of course I hope such things don't happen to me, but also, I wonder if i have such strength. I am inspired for sure.

The pregnant girl told me, "okay, no matter what, have no fear. that's what I believe. I think that whatever you are scared of in life, that is exactly what life will throw at you. so definitely, don't be scared. "

(also of course, like what my mum said after i told her all their stories, practice safe sex or just don't sleep around pls)

it was definitely a very memorable dinner. also because we had 3 different curries and very nice chai to chat over :)