runaway.

sometimes my focus gets off like this, what is important to me, what is not. what I can control, what I cannot. I know how the saying goes about life that you should accept the things you cannot control/change, but its so hard to apply this sometimes. Things and emotions are all over the shop and I'm confused with all that is going on. I'm pushing away the exact people I need (or want?) help from. I'm holding together still somehow, waiting for one thing to break it all. I need to not think about any of this, so being busy helps I guess. But being too busy becomes a drag in itself also, so I start doing things that are not myself again, trying to gain some form of control over things I cannot control. everything gets off. I get tired.

I need to do something about this. But I don't know how, or what.
I can't stand being vulnerable like this.
tuesday, I'm not coming back.

I can't wait for bump-in. cos at least by then there will just be one thing taking up all my attention and I am shut safely from the outside world.